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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26547559">Tales from Greil's Camp</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeilaD/pseuds/LeilaD'>LeilaD</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Fire Emblem: Soen no Kiseki/Akatsuki no Megami | Fire Emblem Path of Radiance/Radiant Dawn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Comedy, F/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2009-05-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2010-09-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 07:48:48</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,134</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26547559</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeilaD/pseuds/LeilaD</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Written during/after long binges of playing and eating frozen pizza while I was supposed to be writing term papers. I was very slap-happy when I worked on this one.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>crack ships only</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. An "Important" Revelation</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Shinon and Gatrie talk about the women in the camp.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A slap resounded through the camp of Greil's Mercenaries, still named thus even though the captain had been dead for well over a year and a half. The sound was usual enough in a camp that was mixed gendered, but it had been a long and boring day. Shinon poked his head through the tent flap, just hoping to get drawn into a fight with someone.</p><p>Instead of a rousing fist fight, Gatrie wound his way through the narrow gap between the temporary canvas establishments, a red handprint glowing on his cheek. Shinon shook his head. "Jackass," He muttered, trying to duck back into the tent without being seen.</p><p>No such luck. Gatrie shoved his way in a moment later, the gloom inside hiding the evidence of his latest perpetrated crime against womankind. He dropped onto the floor of his friend's sleeping quarters and pulled Shinon's wineskin out of its customary hiding place without even a flicker of the eyelid. Shinon sighed, stood, and began to lace the tent flap closed for an illusion of privacy. Finishing that chore, he went to the back of the tent and opened the knife slit he kept there to allow air to circulate.</p><p>"You should be a thief," Gatrie remarked, wiping his chin with the back of his hand. "Always have a bolt-hole ready, alert to any chance to run. And don't think the rest of us don't know about your D-level in swords. Just because it's not officially listed-"</p><p>"Swords are too easy," Shinon said shortly, a little offended by Gatrie's remarks. "Archery is a much harder art to master. I haven't held a sword since the day I carved my first bow. Who did you molest this time?"</p><p>"I did not molest anyone," Gatrie said with a great show of offended dignity. "I merely gave the lass a kiss. It's not my fault she plays hard to get."</p><p>"Who?" Shinon insisted.</p><p>"If you simply must know, it was the lovely red-headed-"</p><p>That was as far as he got before Shinon broke into a howling laughter. It was several minutes of choking and dark mutters from Gatrie before he could get himself under control again. "And all Titania did was slap you? I think your luck stat has increased exponentially, my friend."</p><p>Gatrie grumbled a bit, and took another swig of the booze. "Well, she was off crying about Greil again. It's not like they were married, or anything."</p><p>"No, but they banged from about the time the wife died. Everyone in camp knew it." Shinon was completely indifferent.</p><p>Gatrie noticed the indifference. "So… you've been here as long as I have, and I've yet to see you go after any of the crew. Don't even see you getting any… professional assistance when we go into a town."</p><p>Shinon shrugged. "I don't want to catch anything, and none of the girls here interest me."</p><p>"None?" Gatrie could not even conceive of anyone not finding a strong attraction to the women in the troupe.</p><p>"None," Shinon answered firmly.</p><p>"Not even Titania?"</p><p>"Not over Greil."</p><p>"Mist?"</p><p>"Too young."</p><p>"Elincia?"</p><p>"First of all," Shinon almost laughed at the suggestion, "She's kind of held up in a palace somewhere being queen. Secondly, am I refined enough to get some highborn lady in the sack?"</p><p>"Good point," Gatrie allowed. "Calill?"</p><p>"Too high maintenance."</p><p>"She is not!" Gatrie was stung. Shinon was not about to tell him that everyone knew she had only slept with the knight for a few months to get favors and presents she couldn't afford out of him.</p><p>"Lucia's all calf eyed for the queen, Mia is freakin' insane (and that means something coming from me), and Nephenee- well, she's countrified enough that I want to get rough and show her what the world's about, but then you can never get rid of those extra-virginal types once you use them." Shinon wanted to get past the awkward moment.</p><p>"Bastard," Gatrie corked the wineskin and put it back into hiding.</p><p>"I am, I really am," Shinon agreed.</p><p>"Astrid?" Gatrie asked after a moment.</p><p>"Do you really want to touch something Makalov has had?"</p><p>"Damn him!" Gatrie reached for the wineskin again. "Soren?"</p><p>"I know the little shit looks like a woman, especially in all those pictures the fangirls draw of us when we stay in a town for a while, but even then, it would be like Mist. Freakin' pedophilia."</p><p>"Tanith?"</p><p>"Probably a lesbian."</p><p>"Marcia? Nothing wrong with her!" Gatrie declaimed triumphantly.</p><p>In response, Shinon pulled the knife slit open wider, and from thee tents over, Marcia's voice could be heard yelling, "Oh, crackers, YES!"</p><p>"Crackers?"</p><p>"Precisely," Shinon said, pulling the tent canvas partially closed again.</p><p>"Who's she-"</p><p>"Better not to ask."</p><p>"Ilyana?" Gatrie asked, trying to figure- in vain- who was screwing Marcia.</p><p>"Eats like a horse."</p><p>"Jill?"</p><p>"Too high strung. And racist."</p><p>"Lethe?"</p><p>"Now I'm racist. No bestiality. Leave that to Zihark. "</p><p>"Petrine?"</p><p>"She's dead."</p><p>Gatrie sat back. "Damn, I guess your right. It's a good thing I never listen to you, or I'd never get laid again. So what do you look for in a partner?"</p><p>Shinon, right then, saw a prime opportunity that he'd never get again. "Well, it has to be someone I've known for a while. Preferably a friend."</p><p>"Right…"</p><p>"Someone close to me- the sort of person I can tell anything to."</p><p>"Makes sense…."</p><p>Looking down to hide his smile for the climax, Shinon purred. "Anything…"</p><p>"I got that," Gatrie said. "What- Oh, Goddess." The knight went pale and jumped to his feet, scrabbling backwards in the tent, falling in an undignified heap on the floor as he tripped.</p><p>"What's wrong, old friend?" Shinon slinked towards the fallen knight, his smirk easily mistakable for lust. "I've been looking for a golden opportunity to tell you some things for a while."</p><p>Gatrie gulped as Shinon began to unlace his breeches, still pacing slowly towards him. "So… is that why you don't like any of the women in this-" He froze as Shinon knelt beside him. Shinon looked him up and down, then slowly licked his lips.</p><p>That was too much for the knight. With a scream of pure terror, Gatrie ran from the tent, nearly ripping a new opening as he barely missed the tied shut tent flap. Shinon, still kneeling, called after him,</p><p>"But every night I've fantasized about your strong, capable jaw…" And then he lost it. He fell over sideways, rolling on the floor and laughing about the look of abject horror on Gatrie's face as he had fled the tent. Getting himself under control, he rose and retied his breeches, murmuring, "Guess I'll need a new drinking partner for a while."</p><p>Happy with the moment of squick he had induced, Shinon walked towards the mess tent, whistling with contentment. On the way, passing Calill, he winked.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Just Propose already</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Mia and Ike have a serious discussion about Ike's future.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Hey boss! I gotta quesh-yon for ya!" Mia's voice was undeniably slurring. Ike carefully composed himself before he turned around the face the drunken sword master, making sure that he wouldn't roll his eyes at whatever she had come up with this time. She had a habit of challenging people to duels to the death when she was drunk, and he really didn't have time to carefully avoid killing his bloodthirsty subordinate.</p><p>"What can I help you with, Mia?" He asked, his voice very neutral. He was fairly sure that she couldn't find any way to take offense at that.</p><p>She tried hard, though. Her face screwed up as she thought about it. She finally shrugged seeing nothing wrong, and decided to take a different tack to her belligerence.</p><p>"Elincia. What do you intend to do about Elincia?" She demanded, stabbing a finger into Ike's chest. He blinked in rather understandable confusion.</p><p>"I intend to see her safely delivered back to Crimea, help her defeat an enemy that outnumbers us at a ratio of a couple-hundred-to-twelve, install her back on her throne, and then let Soren go nuts with figuring out all the ways he can come up with to get her to pay us most of the royal treasury for services rendered. He's already invented something he calls 'overtime' and 'workman's comp'." Ike answered. He had no idea what the purple-haired woman was getting at.</p><p>"That'sh not what I meant!" Mia flared. "She wansh you, you want her, so jush marry her already! Rhys can perform the ceremony! Ish all shettled!"</p><p>She turned and walked away, possibly intending to see what she could do about obtaining white velvet for the bride's gown. Ike stared after her, blinking like a poleaxed ox as he watched her stagger between the tents away from him. Eventually, it dawned on him that the wiser course might be to go stop her before she said something stupid to someone that would be completely misunderstood.</p><p>"Mia!" He called, running to catch up. She turned, a bright smile plastered on her face as she waited for him to thank her for setting his life on its proper path at last. She was sorely disappointed. He caught her arm, drew her away from the tents surrounding them and said in a low voice,</p><p>"Mia, I have absolutely no intention of marrying the princess of Crimea!"</p><p>It was her turn to blink at him, rather more owlish than he had been. After a moment, what he had said registered in her consciousness as "Ike's being stupid again". She laughed. The laughing took over and became giggles, and she tugged her arm out of his grip so that she could fall to the ground, still laughing. Ike nervously glanced around, making sure that no one could see them.</p><p>"Of coursh you do! You love each other, right?"</p><p>"Ummm…" Ike had no idea what to say to this. "Well, she's a lovely girl, but…"</p><p>"Of coursh she is," Mia sat up, no longer laughing. Her gaze was very intense, and Ike may have considered that she had thought this through and had some valid points if she hadn't smelled like the wine ration for the entire mercenary company. "And everyone in the camp knows she likes you- she's even admitted it to some of ush girls."</p><p>"She's what?" Ike asked. An inner part of his mind said, <i>Uh, oh…</i> followed shortly thereafter by <i>Why didn't Mist warn me?</i></p><p>"She told ush she likes you!" Mia repeated, standing up and leaning towards him. Ike took an involuntary step back from the smell, but she strode towards him, weaving.</p><p>"But, umm…" Ike stumbled over his own tongue. "She's a princess. And I'm a mercenary."</p><p>"No, you're the general of the entire Army of the Continent." Mia reminded him. Ike could almost hear the capitals. "And she already ennobled you." She reached out to thwap him a good one on the head for being so stupid, but missed, instead striking one of the double images she was seeing.</p><p>"What about the Company? What are you all supposed to do if I take off and marry some princess just based on the fact that she's been traveling with us for nearly a year, and I've been solicitous of her health and…" <i>Oh, shit…</i> Ike realized.</p><p>"We wouldn't mind some cushy palace job as the 'queen's own' or some bullshit like that." Mia told him. "As long as we were all getting paid on time."</p><p>Ike thought fast, despite his confusion and panic. "But how are you going to test your skills sitting around a palace training ground all day? You'd never find your life rival waiting for them to be recruited into your company. You need to travel!"</p><p>"Hey, you're right." Mia plopped down in the mud, thinking about this development. Ike took advantage of her sudden thoughtfulness to run, worrying about yet a new problem. Mia called after him into the night,</p><p>"You're right. It never would have worked out anyway…"</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Battlecry</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Elincia wants to gain Ike's attention.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Elincia, reigning queen of Crimea, was feeling rather unhappy. In a less exalted woman, some might have said she was in a snit. The source of her highness' discontent was, in fact, her general, who was completely ignoring her pursuit of him.</p><p>"It is refreshing to find a man who is courteous and genteel in this day and age," She lamented to Lucia, who was looking anxiously towards the horizon where the sun was sinking below the tree line. "But there are times, unladylike as it is, when I wish that he were a little less concerned with appearances and treat me like a common woman."</p><p>"I quite agree, your majesty," Lucia was willing to agree to anything by this point. "If you will excuse me, I have personal business to attend to."</p><p>"Oh yes, of course." Elincia agreed. She watched Lucia walk away, hoping that the blue-haired swordmaster had not contracted too serious of an illness. She was rather relieved to see Ike meet Lucia at the edge of the forest. It was so good of him to be solicitous of his soldiers! He would make sure that Lucia returned safely once she was feeling better. How she wished he would be more solicitous of her emotions for him!</p><p>Elincia continued to ponder this question over the next several days. She was innocently loitering near his tent when she saw the boy from the supply caravan enter. Carefully, not wanting it to look as if she were spying on her general, she moved close enough to be able to hear Daniel ask Ike,</p><p>"So can you give me any other advice? No matter how many times we play, he still just keeps beating me!"</p><p>"The best I can tell you is to observe your opponent carefully," Ike lectured. Elincia yawned. Tactics were the most boring part of learning to be a warrior queen. The best part was getting to fly around on her grandmother's pegasus all the time! However her ears perked up as he finished, "Take your opponent's tactics and use them against him. Sometimes he falls into his own trap."</p><p><i>Make him fall into his own trap! Of course!</i> Elincia thought joyfully. She sprang to her feet and ran through the camp, looking for Soren, bumping into Titania as she ran. After a good fifteen minutes of searching, she finally found the mage sipping a cup of tea. He was muttering over a set of documents, and put them down a little too brusquely when she entered. Elincia elected not to notice.</p><p>"What are m'lord Ike's tactics?" She asked breathlessly, her innocent bosom heaving with exertion. Soren's face turned, if possible, more sour.</p><p>"Apparently," he snapped, sarcasm nearly tangible in his voice, "his chief tactics are to just blindly charge in and kill everything in his path." He picked up the documents again, muttering about foolhardy beorc as Elincia rushed from the tent again.</p><p><i>That must be it! He likes warrior women! I have to become a stronger fighter,</i> She mused walking back through the camp towards her own tent. She only looked up briefly when she heard Titania, sweaty and panting standing at the flap of Ike's tent.</p><p>"You're so much like your father, Ike." She breathed.</p><p><i>I hope he helps her to recover from her grief over Greil soon,</i> She thought, with a compassionate sigh for the other woman.</p><p>Elinca was trying hard to come up with a way to become the sort of warrior Ike would like best. She looked up to see Nephenee and Calill talking to one another a little way ahead. She brightened up and walked over just in time to hear Calill ask Nephenee,</p><p>"So what sword rank would you give General Ike?"</p><p>"Oh, an 'S'," Nephenee's eyes were wide. "Definitely an 'S'." She was breathing hard just thinking about it.</p><p>"Mmmm, you're generous," Calill's smile turned sly. "But I would give him at least an 'A'. He is rather skilled."</p><p>"But of course he is!" Elincia spoke up loyally. The two women's jaws dropped and they looked at each other, then back at the princess with wide eyes. A little disconcerted with their reaction, Elincia defended her statement, "After all, he was trained by Master Greil. So he must have his father's raw talent!"</p><p>Nephenee and Calill looked at one another again for a moment. Calill burst into howling laughter.</p><p>"Elincia, honey," Nephenee began to say, her cheeks flaming with a blush. Calill grabbed her arm.</p><p>"Leave it, Neph, she's a lost cause!" The sage was still chortling as she dragged the other woman off. Elincia watched them go, confused.</p><p>"What did I say that was so funny?" She wondered aloud, then realized, "Shoot! I forgot to ask them about fighting!"</p><p>"Devdan wonders why pretty princess is talking to herself," A familiar, slow drawl sounded from behind her. Elincia turned to see the large halberdier and smiled again despite herself.</p><p>"Oh, Devdan, hello," She answered brightly. "I was just wondering what sort of fighter is best suited for rushing in and killing people on the battlefield."</p><p>"Princess Elincia is talking about going berserk," Devdan informed her. "But madness and foaming are not right for a delicate noble woman."</p><p>Elincia thought about that for a moment. "Well, maybe Largo can teach me to be a berserker without the foaming?"</p><p>"It does not hurt to ask," Devdan agreed. Elincia waved as she left to find the berserker. On the way, she passed Makalov, who was carrying a bouquet of flowers.</p><p>"Oh, those are lovely," She told him. Makalov grinned.</p><p>"If you think so, then Astrid will think so too! I'm glad I got the right kind this time. She told me all about the difference between flowers and weeds last time I got her something pretty."</p><p>"So they're a present for Astrid?" Elincia was slightly charmed. "That's a sweet gesture!"</p><p>"I'm just waiting for her to get back. She said that she knew a way to make sure that Ike forgave me for my debts to the company. I don't know what she was planning, but it's sure nice to have a rich girlfriend!" He continued on his way, and Elincia went along hers. Eventually, she did find Largo. She waited until he put down his massive ax- remembering at the last moment that it was called a brave ax.</p><p>"Largo?" She said his name tentatively. She was a little intimidated by him.</p><p>"Waaaa hahahaha!" He broke into his hearty laugh. "I didn't see you there, little lady! How can I help you?"</p><p>"Well, ummm," Elincia found her courage and blurted out, "I want you to teach me to be a Berserker class!"</p><p>Largo laughed heartily again. "That's a good one, my skinny little queen!"</p><p>"Please," Elincia begged. "Can't you teach me anything?"</p><p>"Welllll." He thought for a moment. "Well, I'd say to have Boyd teach you to use an ax first." He hurried on as her face fell. "But I can tell you that all berserkers have a good battle cry. Like this!"</p><p>Largo gave a full-throated roar. Elincia eeped and jumped back, terrified. At last the audio assault ended. "Now you!"</p><p>She looked around timidly, afraid of being seen, and gave a prissy, ladylike little scream.</p><p>"That's not good enough! Again!"</p><hr/><p>By dinner time, Elincia's throat felt like it was on fire. She sipped miserably at a bit of broth, despite the teasing and coddling of both Bastian and Geoffrey who were worried about her health. After dinner, she rose and walked between the tents. She decided to take a bath and had just ducked down between Shinon and Marcia's tents, taking the shortcut to the bathing tent, when she heard deep gasps from her right, followed by a scream of,</p><p>"Oh, crackers, YES!"</p><p>Elincia froze, blushing deeply. A hand nearly broke her nose as Shinon pulled his bolt hole shut again. From inside, she could hear Gatrie's voice say,</p><p>"Crackers?"</p><p>"Precisely."</p><p>"Who's she-"</p><p>"Better not to know."</p><p>Her cheeks still flaming, Elincia continued to the bathing tent with a disgusted thought of men! Reemerging fifteen minutes later, she nearly walked right into Ike, coming from the direction of the other tents. Glancing up, she clutched her dirty clothes to her chest over her robe, stammered something, and fled back to her own tent to spend the rest of the night virtuously alone.</p><p>"Jill!" Elincia was surprised the next morning to see the wyvern rider looking flustered as she ducked around the edge of Ike's tent, which a sweaty Ike had left five minutes before. Elincia made a note to have the ventilation of the tents checked if her General was that sweaty before leaving it this early in the morning. Elincia returned her attention to the now-startled lancer. There was something furtive in Jill's movements. "Are you alright?"</p><p>"Umm, umm, yes! I was just seeing Ike's dragon- I mean, Ike was seeing my dragon- wyvern! Yes! Ike was seeing my wyvern visiting- Oh, never mind!" The impulsive woman ran away. Elincia blinked a couple of times in confusion. She continued on past the training grounds, where the still-sweaty Ike was leaning against a pole on the edge of the sword ring. Mia was walking slowly towards Ike, her voice somewhat lower than usual as she purred,</p><p>"But Boss! Your swordwork, it's so... masterful. I want to see it in action."</p><p><i>It's so nice that he takes the time to train with the people under his command!</i> Elincia already felt better, putting the mystery that was Jill behind her. She waved cheerfully to them and kept walking, passing an- as usual- sour-faced Soren. He ignored her and looked at Ike, muttering,</p><p>"It's a wonder anything ever gets done in this camp!" before raising his voice to shout, "Ike, you're a half hour late for our meeting!"</p><p>"Your tent, two hours. You probably have more luxurious accomodations." Mia stage-whispered. Ike nodded to her and walked over to Soren, already reaching for the files that the logistics officer was shoving at him.</p><p><i>I guess My Lord Ike and I won't be having tea this afternoon, then, if he already has a guest,</i> Elincia thought sadly, her good mood gone. She trudged through the camp, finally locating Boyd as he was receiving his daily torture from Titania. They looked up at her approach.</p><p>"Boyd, Largo says I should ask you to teach me to use an ax," she told him.</p><p>"Riiiight," Boyd leaned against the side of Titania's horse. Titania shooed him off. "Does this have anything to do with all that screaming yesterday?"</p><p>Elincia was feeling so down that she couldn't even be embarrassed that everyone in the camp knew about her unladylike behavior. She merely nodded. Boyd walked over and offered her the handle of his iron ax.</p><p>"Here," He said. She took it. Immediately, the head dragged her arms to the ground with its weight. She struggled to lift it.</p><p>"Just as I thought," Titania sighed. "Look, Elincia, the only way you'll ever be a good warrior is if you practice what you're good at until your 'good' is perfect. Just stick to what you know."</p><p>"So I can be a warrior lady with a sword without being a berserker? And Ike will li- find my skills useful?"</p><p>"He's found uses for you before," Titania's voice was sardonic. Elincia didn't quite get her meaning, and was wondering at the strange look Boyd gave the paladin.</p><p>"Just be myself? And Lord Ike will like me?" Elincia asked.</p><p>"That's the general idea!" Boyd told her. Elincia hugged them both, then ran off to ride her Pegasus, practice with Amity, and take a nap in the sun. When it started to get dark, she went to take dinner with Lucia, Bastian, and Geoffrey, smiling as she passed Ike's tent where he shared oysters, strawberries, and cocoa with Ilyana. It was good of him to look out for the delicate, perpetually hungry mage!</p><hr/><p>The next morning was the dawn of a day of battle. Elincia, wearing her white armor, stood in the pegasus paddocks, feeding and grooming her pegasus. Tanith walked briskly by, giving the princess a little nod of approval. Something looked slightly off.</p><p>"Commander, is that... sex hair?" One of the young knights asked. The commander whipped around to look at her.</p><p>"Silence! Look to your own duties!" She barked. More quietly, almost defensively, she added, "I had an early staff meeting." Tanith marched firmly off, shouting as she passed her knights.</p><p>"Don't mind her. She's always touchy after a staff meeting," One of the girl's friends informed her. The two began to giggle.</p><p>"I wouldn't mind being on his staff!" The first replied. More giggling ensued.</p><p>"That's enough!" Elincia told them in her most imperial voice. "You should show more respect to your commanding officer."</p><p>The pegasus knights looked at her for a moment. "Clueless," One said. The other nodded.</p><p>"How rude!" Elincia sputtered. She mounted and flew out of the paddock. She remained airborne until time to speak with the General. Upon getting her instructions, Elincia took to the air again.</p><p>Remember: charge, battle cry, best at. Charge, battle cry, best at. Charge, battle- wait, what's that? Oh no!</p><p>She turned, preparing to warn the ground-based units about the enemy sage hiding behind a tree, when the sage unleashed a blizzard on the front rank of the army- right on Ike. Panicked, Elincia landed next to him. He was frozen, part of his body sticking out of the monolith of ice.</p><p>"General? General? General Ike!" Elincia cried. <i>But I- But he- but we never got a chance to... I'll never lose my virginity to him now!</i> As she looked at him, encased in that bespelled tomb, an icy rage settled in her heart. Drawing Amity, she rose in her stirrups, looking out over the ranks of the enemy. In a howl that was later reported to be heard three miles away, Elincia gave a battle cry that would become legend:</p><p>"FOR IKE'S THROBBING MANHOOD!"</p><p>A terrifying, ululating scream of rage and lust arose from behind the princess. The men ducked and dodged as the women of Ike's army poured past them, following the vengeful queen into combat. Soren sighed with disgust as he cast fire on Ike, melting the ice and leaving the commander gasping on the ground as he fought to regain his composure.</p><p>"My sister!" Geoffrey was horrified, watching Lucia's savagery.</p><p>"But then- does that- all these women!" Gatrie stammered, dumbfounded.</p><p>"Yep. Every last one of them," Shinon answered, unstringing his bow as he decided to let Ike's Angels do the work.</p><p>"But he- and they- he seriously- Ooooooooh," Gatrie fell to the ground in a swoon.</p><p>"We have to do something about the horrible influence these mercenaries are having on the queen. This is improper," Bastian murmured.</p><p>"What- what's going on?" Mist asked, wide eyed. "What are you talking about?"</p><p>"Ask Rolf or Boyd. They'll be glad to teach you," Shinon told her. He looked out where Lethe was ripping the sage's face off. "Even the furry. You bastard."</p><p>Watching the carnage before them, Elincia charging in the lead and decimating the army by herself, Ike merely answered Shinon's accusation with, "Goddess, that is hot..."</p>
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<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Happiest Day of His Life</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Gatrie's wooing is successful at last.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ike was getting to be slightly annoyed by the fact that his knights were soaking up all his team's experience. After hacking his sixth opponent that round into oblivion, he turned and looked over his shoulder. "Gatrie, Brom… you've done so well this turn. Take a rest!" He called.</p><p>"Thanks, Ike!" Gatrie yelled back, leaning on his spear. He grinned at the other knight, oblivious to the fact that all of the other soldiers on Ike's elite force were sighing with relief as they began to attack the enemy without having to try to slide around the armored units and risk cutting themselves on the ridiculously abrupt-edged armor. "He's shaping up rather well… with some good tutelage. Why, I remember watching Commander Greil give that boy his first sword lesson!"</p><p>"Really?" Brom said with some interest. "I thought you were much younger than that!"</p><p>"What do you mean?" Gatrie was a little taken aback. "I'm one fine hunk of knightly might!"</p><p>"That wasn't to disparage on you!" Brom answered hastily. "You're much more of a better fighter than me! It's just that when General Ike first rescued me from prison, he already was such a mature swordsman, that I can't imagine him in training."</p><p>"Really? Busting you out of jail, you say? Sly old man, you had me fooled! I would never have taken you for a hardened criminal. You seem like too much of a, well, farmer-type." Gatrie was intrigued. He'd spent his fair share of time in jail over a few too many misunderstandings- most recently, revolving around the buying of the ultimate shield, aka the castle gate. Brom didn't resemble any of the men he had shared cells with.</p><p>"No, no! I was a member of the militia, and the Daein Army captured some of us. We were all going to be tortured hideously and executed, and there were only a few of us left when General Ike rescued us. Oooh, the thought of having my fingernails pulled out still makes me dizzy!"</p><p>"Steady, man!" Gatrie said, honestly alarmed by Brom's theatrics. "You don't want to look weak before the women folk." He struck a heroic pose, and grinned dazzlingly at Astrid, who happened to be looking his way. She giggled and turned back to the combat, shooting an enemy clean through the eye. Gatrie's smile wavered a bit. Beautiful women were supposed to need his protection, not intimidate him by making him wonder how much it would hurt if they were to do that to him.</p><p>"You really are a kind and fine looking man." Brom said musingly. Gatrie's eyes went wide and he dropped the pose to stagger backward a step or two apprehensively.</p><p>"Umm, excuse me, but is this like the joke Shinon once played on me?" He asked, ready to bolt. Brom looked completely bewildered- which, when Gatrie had time to think about it, was his normal expression.</p><p>"I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about. I was just thinking that you would be a fine son-in-law." Brom answered, his forehead wrinkled.</p><p>"Wait, what?" Gatrie blinked, then his own face smoothed as he relaxed. He then looked puzzled again.</p><p>"Well, I have eight children, and some of those three girls are needing husbands. You're a good man, and the sort that they should take right to!"</p><p>"Really?" Gatrie was imagining some soft, pretty little thing in a gingham dress holding an apple pie- before she led him off to the proverbial haystack. He began to grin. "Well, I always did have a soft spot for pretty ladies…"</p><p>"Well, that's jus' wonderful news!" Brom was obviously delighted. "After this here war is over, why don't you just come along back to the village and meet your future wife?"</p><p>'Why wait that long?" Gatrie asked enthusiastically. "I mean, we are saving all of Crimea, so we'll probably march right through your hometown at some point. I could just come along home with you for dinner."</p><p>"Wonderful!" Brom agreed, and with a newfound relationship, the two men waded back into the battle, to the disgust of the other Greil Mercenaries.
</p>
<hr/><p>"SHINON!" Gatrie's bellow could probably be heard in Goldoa. Shinon rolled his eyes and stowed his wineskin back under his cot, opening the tent flap to see what his excitable friend wanted this time.</p><p>"It's finally happened!" Gatrie was almost chortling with glee. "Tomorrow is the day I meet my wife to be!"</p><p>Shinon looked down to hide his smirk. "Contrary to what you might think, village peasant women are just as susceptible to social disease as city whores."</p><p>He was extraordinarily surprised when a ham-like fist crashed into his nose. He staggered backward and hit the floor, looking up at his angry, well-muscled friend in full plate armor. For once, Shinon was completely without words, as he could only stammer, "Wait, what?"</p><p>"How dare you insult my wife to be? She is no common whore!"</p><p>"Gatrie," Shinon stood up, rubbing his swollen face. "We've been over this scenario before. In each town, you're convinced you're going to meet the love of your life, so you sample as many of the local women as you can looking for her."</p><p>"This is different. Her father is going to properly introduce us, and then we can have Rhys marry us, and I will spend tomorrow night in the arms of my newly found beloved."</p><p>Shinon decided the wisest course was to remain silent and stick his face in his wash basin to chill the pain.</p><p>"Her name is Meg," Gatrie announced proudly.</p><p>Shinon snorted, creating a few bubbles. He wondered how Gatrie already knew the name of his fantasy.</p><p>"I'm going to have dinner with her and my new father-in-law-to-be. And then, Brom will call for Rhys and this will all be settled. "</p><p>Shinon spluttered and came up for air. He looked incredulously at his friend. "Ah, Gatrie, you're marrying Brom's daughter?"</p><p>"Yes!" Gatrie was almost gushing. "Have you met her?"</p><p><i>This will not end well,</i> Shinon mused, as he answered, "Well, no. But this is Brom's daughter we're talking about. She'll probably resemble her father to a greater or lesser degree. Zihark didn't seem all that enamored while he was her fiancé."</p><p>"ZIHARK?" Gatrie roared. "Zihark and my lovely Meg?"</p><p>"No. Definitely not. Not even a chaste little kiss." Shinon informed him, sarcasm tingeing his voice. "She came to the camp once with a message for her father. Zihark left the tent, since he was in there repairing one of Brom's armor straps, and told me that while he had been opposed to getting married before, he was definitely opposed to the match now. Something about her just turned him off."</p><p>"Probably the fact that he's a furry." Gatrie said darkly, before he brightened again. "Ahhhh, she must have such smooth, pretty skin for him to not like her."</p><p>The tent flap pushed slightly open. "Did someone call for me?" Zihark asked, leaning in slightly, though not far enough to intrude.</p><p>"We were just discussing my future bride, and Shinon tells me you've met her. Brom's daughter, Meg?"</p><p>Zihark shuddered. "Good luck with that one," He said and left. Gatrie jumped to his feet, once more enraged, only to feel Shinon's hand on his arm restraining him.</p><p>"Isn't one broken nose a night enough for you? I mean, you can't really defend her honor yet if she's not even here." He was beginning to think longingly of the wineskin under his cot again.</p><p>Reluctantly, Gatrie sat back down, muttering darkly again. Shinon briefly toyed with the idea of trying to talk Gatrie out of this mad quest, but his nose gave a particularly painful throb. <i>It's not like he's very amenable to suggestion anyway,</i> Shinon thought virtuously. <i>Besides, he will learn and grow from his mistakes if he's able to make them.</i></p><p>"To your happiness, Gatrie. May you have the sense to not run face-first into disaster." Shinon toasted him, pulling out his second wineskin with the slightly inferior wine. Gatrie took a swig and choked.</p><p>"Where's the good stuff?" He whined. Shinon smiled, and replied honestly,</p><p>"I will anoint you with the good stuff on the day that you are happily married."</p><p><i>And may it be a while longer in coming. Please, please gain some sense, my slightly idiotic friend.</i>

</p>
<hr/><p>Gatrie was fidgeting so badly that his armor was beginning to chafe in some very uncomfortable places. He contented himself with the thought that in the evening, he would have soft, lovely hands to help him soothe those particular sores with balm. Brom was ambling up the path with a slow, steady gait, stopping every few yards to check on some plant, or to look over that small herd of cows, or to shield his eyes as he tried to see if the boys had repaired that wagon axle yet. Gatrie wanted to scream with impatience, or at the very least run down the path to the door where his beautiful wife waited.</p><p>"Father!" The scream would have worked beautifully if harnessed into a Sonic Sword. Gatrie winced, then saw what was running toward them and winced again. The fattest, roundest faced dumpling of a girl that he had ever seen was tackling Brom in an enormous hug.</p><p>"Meg!" Brom cried joyfully. Gatrie nearly collapsed on the spot, his chest heaving with shock. All his dreams! His face crumpled in despair, making him very closely resemble his proposed fiancé. He looked at those enormous, work-calloused hands and choked. She might break him in half accidentally if she tried to massage him with those!</p><p>"Come and meet your new fiancé," Brom said, and turned to where his friend had been a moment before. The only thing that was to be seen was a set of footprints in the dirt leading back towards where the mercenaries were encamped- paced at the distance one would expect of a man running full tilt without any armor encumbrance at all. Brom looked in some perplexity, then turned to be led inside, telling his daughter, "He must have been called back by the general. Now how about that apple pie?"

</p>
<hr/><p>"SHINON!" Gatrie bellowed, his panic audible to half the camp. Shinon emerged out of his tent, a sardonic comment already forming on his lips. Bastian came out of his own tent, glaring at the wild-eyed knight.</p><p>"Ware thee, knave, or I shalt have to make use of my thousand arcane secrets to silence thee!" Bastian was thoroughly annoyed by the constant crude roar of background noise that was an army camp.</p><p>"Bastian! Oh, thank the Goddess! I need your help!" Gatrie was literally clutching at the front of Bastian's robes. The sage drew back, smoothing the wrinkles with an indignant expression.</p><p>"And what manner of event could thus cause such a ruckus?" He asked, looking rather like a haughty cat.</p><p>"Please! I need to get rid of a fiancé!" Gatrie gasped out. Shinon looked smug and disappeared back into his tent, crawling out the back knife slit as he decided to go see if Rhys could do something about Mending his nose. Bastian looked confused.</p><p>"And hast thou already given thy troth?"</p><p>"Yes, yes, I'm to marry her in an hour!"</p><p>"And thou findest her… unsuited?"</p><p>"She's like Brom! With udders!" Gatrie was nearly sobbing.</p><p>"Surely thou dost not mean to break thy word on account of the lass's lack of comeliness?" Bastian asked reprovingly.</p><p>"I didn't know. I'd never met her!" Gatrie wailed. His mind working quickly, he added, "Besides, she's much younger than I am. It would be just wrong. And she is a peasant, while I am a knight."</p><p>"A peasant tricked thee into a marriage below thy station to an uncomely child? Gatrie, thou art an addle-pated fool!" Bastian scolded him.</p><p>"Please, you've got to help me!"</p><p>"There is only one way for a man of high birth to shun an unsuitable marriage, and that is to declare that she is too close of a member of thy kin to wed."</p><p>"But… but I'm not related to Brom. At all." Gatrie looked as if he were going to expire at any moment. Bastian sighed.</p><p>"Gatrie. There are several estates now open in Crimea." He dropped the high language and spoke plainly, clearly annoyed beyond his measure to keep his composure. "All we have to do is draw up a fake genealogy that shows that he's somehow related to the deceased estate owner, but that you're closer to inheriting it than he is. That way, you have enough of a landed title to be able to finally woo Astrid and get rid of this false marriage in one fell swoop."</p><p>Gatrie thought for a moment. It was a long moment. "…Brilliant!" He exclaimed. Bastian resisted the urge to slap his hand to his forehead.</p><p>"And is it not fortuitous that thee called me away from my ponderings of the intricacies of the nature of the universe itself to heed thy relatively small romantic issues? I wilt have thy genealogy by nighttide. Take thee away and let me work." Bastian sighed and returned to the tent. Gatrie rushed to invite Astrid to visit his estate- "been in the family for generations, you know".</p><p>Astrid was thrilled. And charmed by Gatrie's revelation of his modesty. After all, he had waited until Crimea was safe to woo her.</p><p>There was a wedding celebration that night after all.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Just because I reference other chapters does not mean that any of this is in any sort of chronological order, or even interrelated.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. There Can Be Only One</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Ike battles to maintain his standing against a terrible foe.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Queen Elincia! I'm so glad you're safe... Please forgive my tardiness-"</p><p>Geoffrey's articulate and courtly apology was not half out of his mouth before he was met by a withering glare from his queen. Elincia continued to stare at him from across the room for a moment or two, and then turned and pointedly placed a demure and maidenly hand on Haar's bicep.</p><p>"I just want to thank you for staying by my side the ENTIRE mission," She said, looking up adoringly at the Wyvern rider she had borrowed from Begnion. "I'm sure that if even one of those men with bowguns had gotten through, I would have been toast."<br/>"All in a day's work, Your Majesty," Haar answered with a laconic yawn. "I could do with some rest, however."</p><p>"Oh, but you mustn't be so modest," The queen gushed. "You were simply wonderful! You cut down ten men in a row without breaking a sweat! And then you shrugged off all those arrows like they were nothing! You killed that mage with your pinky! And then you flexed your arm and the spearman fell unconscious without even attacking you."</p><p>Haar grinned. "If I hadn't been there, I'd accuse you of making that up," He told her, and then yawned again.</p><p>Geoffrey squawked in indignation at the scene taking place right in front of his eyes. Elincia ignored the undignified sound from her devoted bodyguard and continued to coo.</p><p>"Oh, but of course, you do need your rest and a proper reward after your actions this morning," She breathed. "And with the sun coming in the Eastern window of my rooms, my chambers should be the warmest place in the palace. Perfect for an afternoon of quiet. Uninterrupted peace."</p><p>"Are you-"Haar looked incredulous for a moment, and then a long, slow smile stole across his face. "Well, I was never one to turn down the benefits of a hero's reward."</p><p>With Elincia hanging on his arm, he left the room to collect on those benefits. Geoffrey threw back his head with a howl of frustration, just as his disheveled sister entered the room, still a little disoriented from having been thrown over Ike's shoulder minutes before.</p><p>"Good Lord, brother," Lucia said, leaning against the doorframe wearily. "You sound as though you were the one they were lynching."</p><p>Sputtering and squawking, Geoffrey informed her of the shocking scene he had just been witness to. He was so incoherent with rage that it took three retellings before Lucia got the barest gist of what he was saying. Once it sank in, she stood straight again, her eyes taking on a flinty cast.</p><p>"And you just let them walk out of here! We must stop that beast!"</p><p>Geoffrey blinked. "Why are you so upset by this?" He asked, taken aback enough to register her words. "I mean, you sound almost as if you were-"</p><p>"Silence! We must take care of him. Look, you attack him with your lance. Then, he'll pull out his ax, and I can be right there with my sword and have a weapon advantage on him! We'll carve him into mincemeat and Elincia will be our- I mean, and the queen's reputation will be protected!"</p><p>"He killed a man with his pinky!" Geoffrey protested.</p><p>"Coward! And this is why men like Haar and Ike keep taking our precious queen!" Lucia snapped. She turned and stormed from the room. Geoffrey stared after her for a moment, and then, stung by her words, snatched up his brave lance and rushed out of the room in her wake.</p><hr/><p>"I'm just amazed that you managed to fight so well with an unconscious woman slung over your shoulder," Rhys commended him. "You cut down all those warriors and you kept Lucia safe!"</p><p>Ike smiled grimly. "What, you don't remember Chapter 17?" He asked. "After that fiasco with Leanne, I wanted to make sure that I would be prepared for any eventuality. So I started to train with Mist on my back or hanging on my off arm."</p><p>"Yeah, and it sucked," Mist interjected. "I only agreed because I thought it was romantic that you wanted to rescue Elincia like that some day."</p><p>"Shut up!" Ike snapped, looking abashed. There were some wry chuckles around, except for one very obvious pout.</p><p>"Boss, you shoulda told me!" Mia complained. "I woulda trained with you and been proud for the honor! And I'm bigger than Mist, so I woulda been better training anyway!"</p><p>"Bigger in every pertinent way," Boyd noted, his eyes locked to Mia's chest.</p><p>"Boyd!" Mist shrieked. She picked up her staff and thwacked him soundly over the head. The disagreement(s) might have escalated, if one of the royal guard hadn't pounded up, gasping for breath.</p><p>"General! General Ike!" He gasped. "Come quickly! It's Haar!"</p><p>Ike rose to his feet. "He's not hurt is he? He seemed fine!"</p><p>"It's not that! He's taken Elincia! Goddess only knows what unspeakable things he is doing to the queen's person even as we speak."</p><p>Instantly, Ragnell was unsheathed and in Ike's hand. Soren wondered when Ike had come to take such news at face value... but then, this was Elincia they were speaking of, and Ike was quite unreasonable when it came to his princess- rather like Mario. And Ike had never even gotten a cake out of it.</p><p>"And that's not all! Not only is he taking your woman, he's trying to steal your title."</p><p>"I already abdicated-"</p><p>"Not the writ of nobility," The guard cut him off. "The other one. The more important one."</p><p>Ike looked baffled.</p><p>"You know. Most Badass Male in Video Game History."</p><p>Ike turned on his heel and strode into the palace, the sound of doom ringing in every footfall.</p><hr/><p>The door to Elincia's chambers crashed open and Geoffrey tumbled into the room, his spear held before him and ready to impale the evil that was Another Man Taking the Queen for Lascivious Purposes. The scene that met his eyes fueled his fury- the two figures (fully dressed) were curled around each other like kittens in a sun puddle in the middle of the queen's bed. Her cape and his were similarly intermingled to form the blankets under which they napped. With a well-practiced battle cry, Geoffrey leaped forward, striking downward with his lance, intending to end the Evil once and for all.</p><p>Haar rolled over in his sleep, his arm flung outward. The inside of his elbow brushed Geoffrey, who flew backwards to hit the wall and slide down it, landing in an unconscious heap. Lucia, hearing the crash, assumed that Haar had taken the bait and drawn his ax. She followed her brother into the room, her silver sword sweeping grandly from its sheath.</p><p>She was unprepared for the scene which met her eyes. She gave a bloodcurdling scream and stormed the bedroom to her queen's defense.</p><p>Haar, hearing the commotion, began to awaken. He stretched as his eyes opened.</p><p>The sight of those rippling muscles bespoke the fate of any maiden who saw them. The sword fell from Lucia's numb fingers as she ogled, all thoughts of her queen cleansed in a heartbeat. She sank forward onto her knees at the bedside, her eyes worshiping the form of the mighty Knight of the Sky.</p><p>Haar blinked in confusion.</p><p>Both of them became aware of the rumbling of thunder in the distance. Lucia, through an act of incredible will, tore her eyes from Haar's form to look over her shoulder, even as Haar gently disengaged himself from the now-waking queen and stood up.</p><p>The thunder became louder, until the very floor shook.</p><p>And then, with a final stride like an earthquake, Ike the Invincible stood in the doorway.</p><p>He looked at the unconscious Geoffrey.</p><p>He looked at the idolatrous Lucia.</p><p>He looked at Elincia, curled up on the bed as she opened her radiant eyes.</p><p>And then the Godslayer spoke.</p><p>"There can be only one."</p><hr/><p>You had to be there. Trust me. It was awesome.</p><hr/><p>Haar slunk down to the stables and mounted his wyvern, forever humbled by his brush with greatness. Lucia tended to her unconscious brother and mourned the loss of her one-eyed wyvern-riding Apollo. And Guenivere- I mean, Elincia- held onto Ike's arm and cooed.</p>
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